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| Always a hoot hanging out with mum and dad |
I have spent most of this year immersed in the ill health of my aging father, and the enormous anxiety of my mother as she watches and hopes that they will continue to have each other in the times ahead. She too has her own health and well being to manage, but the two of them wake up each morning with the other in mind and look to each other before they lay down at night - incredibly in the same bed as they have done for the last 62 years.
One cannot be actively involved with the care of older parents without taking away a sense of compassion and understanding of the aging process, and the daunting vulnerability of the beautiful beings that inhabit aging bodies.
My parents come from an era of pride and dignity. They are not ones to complain to others of their hardships, instead they move on with a sense of dignity, hoping and praying that only good will come out of each situation. My dad has been unable to fulfill his role of decision maker and savior of his family. Forgetfulness and other physical health issues have taken that ability from him. My mother who was the nurturer has had to fill some of these roles even though she is not experienced in any of them. After another four weeks in hospital dad is back at home.
How does an already vulnerable, aging wife like my mum, take on the constant decision making that is thrown at her while only hoping that her husband will be well, and that they can continue to live together independently?
These issues have now become my issues. Finances still have to be managed. Medical decisions and care requirements have to be made on an ever-changing and ongoing basis. Medical visits have to be taken care of, and supplies purchased. While one day a parent is walking, the next day a walker may be needed and eventually even a wheelchair which may ultimately lead to being permanently bedridden . Of course these issues become my issues, and the worry is transferred to me, while I sift through information, talk endlessly to services that can offer assistance, try to help my mum whilst not burdening her with the endless paperwork, and the eventual consideration of a nursing home. All this has to be done while still allowing my parents to maintain their sense of independence and their privacy as a couple. Daunting to say the least.
Sick and aging parents place a family in crisis. Only the willing step up to the plate. It is a journey that is scary, daunting, tearful, overwhelming, and sometimes even seems hopeless. Your very own life is placed on hold. Your own family must be understanding and considerate of the fact that you do not own your time any more. Your spouse is called upon to make sacrifices for his or her adopted parents. It is a journey of love. It is the love affair that no fairy tales or romance novels talk about, but it is a love affair all the same. Only your love will sustain you when you feel alone and hopeless and overburdened. Only the memories of the journey that you have traveled together with your parents will sustain you, and only your compassion and love to see them trouble-free will push you forward.
I give myself permission to feel sorry for myself, or have a pity party every now and then, but most often I am by their side, or handling issues on their behalf, knowing that they had many struggles in their lifetime, but their children always came first. My mum and dad paid for us to be in private schools, a sacrifice they chose to make. They never traveled without us anywhere, it was always a family event. I never knew what a babysitter was. There was always a warm meal prepared lovingly by my mother, and a special treat for tea. She was so nurturing that when we woke up every morning, our tooth brushes were already lined up with toothpaste on it and placed beside our own personal colored mug of warm water to wash our mouth with. When we arrived at the table, our breakfast was laid out for us, with a multi-vitamin beside each plate, and then my dad would drive us to school.
At forty my dad made a decision to immigrate to Canada. It was only when I met people who had worked with him in the Country he left behind, that I realized he was a success story at a young age, admired and accomplished in his career. He gave it all up so that his children might have an even better future in this land called Canada. A decision I thank my parents for a million times over. Their courage and sacrifice gave me and my siblings a glorious future.
Now they are scared and feel vulnerable. Still negotiating life in Canada after 44 years in this new home of theirs. In the old country seniors lived with one of their children and died surrounded by family and grandchildren.
The price of independence is that we sometimes age alone. It does not have to be this way. While we may not live in the same household we must maintain our relationships with our parents. Our children must be encouraged to visit and spend time with their grandparents. Ultimately it is our loving duty to ensure that our senior parents feel safe and loved. They provided us with that sense throughout our lives and now they need us to show them the same.
My children still love their grandparents. They have had many memories growing up with their "nana and duppy". Our lives have intertwined without disruptions and the cycle continues as we navigate this new curve. My husband has been supportive, loving and instrumental in giving my parents the reassurances they need at this time in their lives. I would not hesitate to ask my children to pitch in as required, and they have done so already.
Through this process we become richer and understand how fragile life is. One day I will need compassion as I face the years ahead with a forgetful mind, shaky hands on a walker..... and nothing but the hope to see a loved one show up to lend me a hand. Know that my eyes will light up and my spirit will glow. You may not even notice that my heart is singing at the sight of you, my dear children and maybe future grandchildren!
Life is a journey, sometimes we choose to leave people behind that love us dearly. Choose instead to walk beside them. It is only when we endure the journey together, through good times and bad, that we truly understand the meaning of being loved and the joy that comes with it.
