She walked to the drug store across the street with her hands tightly clasping those of her 2 year old son. There was a bounce in her step as she imagined happily what might lay ahead for her. Today she kept up with her young boy's pace as he chatted incessantly about cars and trains. She smiled and asked questions which he eagerly answered.
Once inside the store she went straight to the aisle and selected her item.
"What's that ?" her son inquired
"I'll tell you when we get home. We can do an experiment together, would you like that?
"Yup"
When they got home she sat down beside him and opened the package. She read the instructions carefully and then looked into the eyes of her curious toddler and smiled.
" There may be a little baby in my tummy, would you like that?"
"Yeah !"
" Well we can do a little experiment to find out if its true."
"Yeah !".
" If there is a baby in my tummy, he or she can send a message to us in mummy's pee."
"How?"
" Well first I have to go to the bathroom and when I come back we will put a little drop from the dropper right here on this spot. If there is a baby the spot will show a plus sign"
When she returned she used the dropper as he looked intently at the spot.
" We will have to wait a bit now, do you want to go and play while we wait?"
" No mommy I will sit here and wait for my baby to send me a message"
"Okay I will be right back, do not touch anything"
She left the room for a few minutes and was soon jolted by a loud screech
"We're having a baby! um...can I tell Daddy please!"
"Sure can"
"I love you mom"
Her doctor confirmed the pregnancy and there was a joyful anticipation in the family. The little boy would start each morning with a "hello baby brother or sister" mouthed to his mother's stomach and a sweet goodnight at bedtime.
Three months later after a routine blood test she got a call at her office from her obstetrician's receptionist.
"The doctor would like you to have an ultrasound and he has scheduled one for tomorrow."
"Why? Isn't that done much later?"
" Do not worry, why don't you just take the ultrasound and let the doctor take it from there"
A few days later, she received a call from her obstetrician, once again in her office.
" I am referring you to a specialist and he will be able to see you in two days. Will that day be okay for you?'
A pause on her side
"The date is fine , but I'd like to know why you are sending me to a specialist. Will you no longer be handling my pregnancy? Please tell me everything I need to know so I can be prepared when I see the specialist."
A pause and a deep breath before the doctor responded.
"I am so sorry to tell you this but the specialist may recommend that you terminate this pregnancy"
"Thank you doctor"
She turned her office chair away from the door and looked out of the large picture window behind her desk. In the background were lush trees, bright sunshine and birds, but she saw none of that as the warmth of her tears flowed unchecked down her face.
A week later in the genetic specialist's office the couple sat silently as the doctor spoke. She watched his moving lips and tried to make sense of what he was telling them as they viewed the ultrasound together. The deep crease that naturally formed between her brows when she frowned was fully engaged as she concentrated on each word. The words came as swift blows to her heart, and still she kept her mind engaged.
The fetus showed a slight flap on the back of the neck which was most likely indicative of a genetic anomaly. She was told that it was advisable to terminate since the probability of a "normal" baby was very small. Her mind raced with questions, and her heart was filled with fear and anxiety. After answering a stream of questions the geneticist referred her to a doctor specializing in the study of specific syndromes.
The couple headed to the elevators with a great weight on their hearts, holding hands and walking in silence. In front of the elevator they paused, tears held back and her husband quietly said " Whatever you want to do, I will support you". She fell into his arms sobbing. There were no more words to be said, but the gift of love, respect and understanding from her husband at that moment was exactly what was needed to see them through this sadness.
In her sixth month, an ultrasound revealed that the fetus had died. An induced labor was scheduled at the hospital, however after a period of intense pain the delivery happened naturally before the scheduled date. In that moment she took some time to understand what had just happened, but she had the courage to hold what would have been her baby in the palm of her hand. She saw it was a male curled up in the fetal position. He was so small and as she looked at him his head fell back and she saw a perfectly formed face and head. The eyes, nose and lips had formed and he was a perfect miniature baby only four or five inches long and looked so much like her first born son. She named him Matthew and through her tears she told him how much she and his dad loved him, and that his older brother would be heartbroken because he never had a chance to grow up with him.
That day was November 22, 1989.....
